In the last few days I’ve visited almost every region of China, indiscriminately slaughtering thousands of people in the process. 

I am, of course, talking about Dynasty Warriors 6 Empires on the XBOX 360. Acquired from a secondhand games shop for £2.50, the objective is to unify China under one ruler.

My first attempt started a few weeks ago when I became the battle handed bruiser, Dian Wei. He swings this massive ball around on the end of a chain and shouts, ‘CAN ANYBODY STOP ME!’ every time he kills an enemy general. The guy’s an absolute legend. It was a pleasure to inhabit his virtual flesh.

Unfortunately the game crashed every time Mr Wei’s army prepared to invade Cheng Du; the last remaining region on the map. It was infuriating. Like losing the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle.

This week I’m Ahui Nan. Some geezer with a spear type sword thing and very few clothes on. Hopefully he’ll prevail where others have failed and liberate his country from the tyranny of a scratched disk.